Hello Deputy PM. I have a little favour to ask of you.
You want me to make the coffee again PM?
You know that your wish is my command your most serene highness.
Don't be daft Deputy PM, you know I wouldn't
ask you to make the coffee as a favour, I'd tell you to.
It's in your job spec.
Remember when you were begging me to give you a proper job and
we tried to think of all the things you could do well and we couldn't
think of any.
Then you said no-one had ever complained about your coffee.
That was a misunderstanding PM.
Remember that later I said I was only joking because I'd never
actually made any which was why no-one had ever complained.
Stop larking about Deputy PM.
This is serious.
I've told my friends in a really important university that they
could have more money to pay their lecturers and I'd got carried
away and actually mentioned some figures.
It must have been the red wine or the gin talking, or maybe both?
Anyway the cads made a recording of what I'd said and I can't
get out of it.
And to cap it all they've told all their mates at other universities and I'm in big trouble.
The Chancellor now tells me we can't
actually afford to pay them any more money. Anyway, I suggested
we'd get the students to pay but I'd forgotten that my lad is
just starting at University and there's at least one more starting
later.
They haven't got two pennies to rub together so I suppose it'd
have to be pater that coughs up the dosh.
You are generous PM!
What Deputy PM!
You know how badly paid I am.
I can't afford to pay anything!
Oh sorry PM I must have misunderstood.
How can I help?
Well I've worked it all out. It goes
like this...
We tell the students they have to pay but they don't have to actually
find any money until later. It'll be like a massive student loan.
The banks can lend them the money and get paid back when the students
start work later. Once the scheme gets going they'll make millions.
It'll be like lots and lots of mortgages. Money should absolutely
pour in.
How do we make the students pay PM?
It'll be like extra income tax Deputy PM. The IR boys will take it out of their wages just like PAYE.
Does that mean you don't have to find
any more money PM?
Got it in one Deputy PM
But won't you have to find the money later to help your lads pay back the loan?
No, because of the special golden handshake
Deputy PM.
You know how it is.
When teachers are hired or nurses or anyone we think are really
deserving they get a financial sweetener… we pay off their
student loan.
When my lads start work I'm going to fix them up with really nice
jobs in the FCO and arrange that they each get these sweetener
payments. I won't have to pay a penny, neither will my lads!
Getting back to that favour Deputy PM. I need you to tell the
cabinet they have to look really keen on the idea when you bring
it up at the meeting later. Crack on it's all your idea. That
way I can say that I'm going along with the majority and falling
into line even though it's contrary to what I said in the last
manifesto.
Amazing PM!
You're so clever.
I know Deputy PM.
It just comes naturally.
Now how about that coffee.
And I think I'll have a chocolate digestive as well… that's
an order!
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